Sarah's Random Thoughts

Spinsterville

2008-08-25T10:13:00.008+01:00

Niki and I were at a wedding on Saturday. We managed to commit the cardinal sin of attending as Thirtysomething Women Without Partners in Tow. Thus we were, somewhat inevitably, seated at the children's table. I kid you not. So I had the delight of being seated next to the ever curious bridesmaid, age 5.

Bridemaid: "Have you ever been a bride Sarah?"
Me: "Er, no."
Bridemaid (looks confused): "But why haven't you been a bride Sarah?"
Me (not sure how to even start answering that one): "Hmm. Well, I haven't met anyone who I want have as my husband."
Bridesmaid (clearly cannot fathom such a situation): "Are you an adult?"
Me (in my head) "THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING, and THERE IS NO FATHER CHRISTMAS, so get used to it now kid!!!"
Me (aloud, and wondering if I actually am an adult): "Yes, actually, I'm the same age as your Mummy"
Bridesmaid: "Why do adults drink wine?"
Me (under my breath): "To avoid having to answer questions like this!!"

AHHHH.

Inked

2008-08-16T12:56:00.002+01:00

So I thought I'd better show y'all the inking. It's on my left shoulder. It's 3 roses in different stages of bloom (the bud just creeps over my shoulder). I love it deeply. And I'm on www.into-you.co.uk under Lucy's work...

Niki turns 30

2008-08-12T21:26:00.004+01:00

It seems not so long ago that Niki and I were 18, in our first year at Edinburgh, and becoming best friends. Somehow it's 12 years on and we're now both 30. Still best friends, but much more gorgeous.

Disaster

2008-07-29T19:38:00.001+01:00

Leake Street

2008-07-06T20:37:00.008+01:00

The Summer Day

2008-07-04T20:35:00.001+01:00

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

From 'The Summer Day'
Mary Oliver

Our Endless Numbered Days

2008-06-24T22:30:00.003+01:00

For my Gran.
Because they don't make 'em like they used to.

I (still) love London

2008-05-23T11:01:00.007+01:00

After 6 years of living in London I'm still discovering plenty of new places I love.. I went up to Clerkenwell a couple of weeks ago to see my tattoo artist (yes people, the inking starts on June 6th).

The wander around Clerkenwell inspired me and Niki to take on the Banksy walking tour. Unfortunately the council has removed most of the stuff he's done.. But we did find this little rat near the Barbican.

The day ended with very chilled out drinks and tapas with the kool kids in Hoxton Square..

I guess cities you love are like people you love. There's always something new and wonderful to discover about them that will make you fall for them all over again.

One Eared White Cat

2008-05-10T11:17:00.003+01:00

Home just wasn't home without a cat, so yesterday Niki and I adopted this little lady. She's 15, has the energy of a kitten, and is as friendly as they come. She only has one ear - it was amputated for skin cancer (which white cats can get if they go out without sunscreen) - but otherwise she's in perfect health. We haven't named her yet, so any suggestions?

Bye Bye Kitty

2008-04-25T23:34:00.002+01:00

My little fuzzy munchkin Kitty died yesterday. I think she had a stroke the day before; she died quickly and peacefully. I miss her. I was lost this morning when she didn't wake me up and I was lost last night when she didn't curl up next to me to sleep on my bed.

Furry friends are family too.

Gas man

2008-04-22T19:24:00.002+01:00

So, for those of you who I haven't kept in the loop, I have been offered a 2 year Core Training post in Anaesthetics by the London Deanery (which controls medical training in London). This is a seriously Big Deal!!! So I shall be a Gas Man. Happy Days!!

In Celebration of Me Being Offered a Specialist Training Post In Anaesthetics...

2008-04-22T19:10:00.001+01:00

I need new shoes.

2008-03-22T12:18:00.002Z

I think it must be time for a shoe-shopping trip... As Carrie on SITC says..

"The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun."

Bonus Night

2008-03-13T16:24:00.003Z

It is apparently (or so it seems) inevitable that sooner or later the men I have formerly dated will eventually request a Bonus Night.

A Bonus Night, for those of you lucky enough not to be on the dating scene, is when two people split up and then agree to reunite for one-night-only.

Is it just me, or is such a request not Deeply Insulting?? And I think nearly all the men I have ever dated have brought this subject up.

My most recent Ex, who decided that he needed to go and Find Himself without me, made such a suggestion yesterday. I wanted to stab him. What on earth makes a man think that after a painful end to a relationship, I'll be desperate to open up all those old wounds with a head-screw of a night togther? Is he insane?

The Action Plan

2008-02-28T12:47:00.004Z

My dear friend Roland suggested that it's time for us all to find a bit of focus and actually answer all those 'What Next?' questions..rather than just shouting "Ahhhhh I'm 30!!!!!" like I have been..
So Roland cleverly suggested an Action Plan..and here are my thoughts...

1: Name three things about yourself you would like to improve:

a) I would like to be fitter. I have now after my 'I'm going to be 30 and I'm fat' crisis lost 18lbs. But I ain't exactly fit. Step one has been to enter a 5k. I'm working up to a half marathon in the autumn.

b) This is related to 'a'. I would like to remember to look after myself better. I look after A LOT of other people..I tend to forget myself a bit. Step one has been to book monthly massages.

c) I would like to be less understanding with the idiot men I date and tell it like it is when they're being arses, rather than empathising with how tough is all is for them, 'finding' themselves and the like. Bitter? Me?

2: Name something you would like to achieve:

a) Within 1 year:
I'd like to be in a specialist training post in anaesthetics. The application is in. In the current climate I'll be working in Tesco in August.

b) Within 5 years:
I'd like to have met the love of my life and be pregnant. Ha. Not that easy, this one.

c) Within 10 years:
I'd like to be living somewhere warm all year, by the sea.

3: Name something you would like to help achieve for somebody else:
I would like to take my Mum on more adventures.

4: Name one place you haven’t been, but you’d like to go:
I'd love to go to Hong Kong to visit my friend Zoe and her husband.

5: Name one person you haven’t met, but would like to:
Roland! He's one of my oldest friends! We have a tres postmodern friendship, and I think we were far ahead of our time establishing it back in 1996...

6: Name three material things you would like:
a)A Mercedes SLK
b)A huge flat screen TV
c)More cats!

What part of 'Emergency Department' don't you understand?

2008-02-01T17:34:00.000Z

Emergency. Defined as a sudden, urgent, usually unexpected occurrence or occasion requiring immediate action.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not an arse. If you're GENUINELY afraid or in severe pain I don't mind checking you out. But c'mon, general public, stop abusing the emergency services.

For example. It's 2am on a Tuesday. A 27 year old man attends with a 'personal problem'. Turns out he has some white spots on his foreskin. No pain, no discharge, no nothing. He lives 50 miles away and thought he's get it looked at after going to the pub. IDIOT. Go to the GUM clinic in the morning like a normal human being.

It's Saturday afternoon. A 65 year old lady takes her blood pressure at home. It's a bit high. She freaks out. She takes it again. Funnily enough, it's even higher. She dials 999. Go to your GP on Monday, for goodness sake.

It's 4am on a Thursday. A fit and well 45 year old man has wakes up and has 2 episodes of vomiting and 2 episodes of diarrhoea. After being unwell for 40 minutes he dials 999 and insists on being brought in to hospital. I was NOT amused. He was rapidly turfed back home.

I like dealing with sick people, really sick people. It's challenging, exciting - it what's I trained for. But seriously, trawling through all you time wasters, nutters, hypochondriacs..well, I'm seriously losing the will to bother.

Et maintainent..?

2008-01-25T11:54:00.000Z

So I made it.
I'm officially in my 30s.
I'm a doctor.
What next?
Any suggestions?

Either Way

2007-11-09T01:57:00.001Z

Late Fragment

2007-11-08T15:58:00.000Z

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved,
to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver

Night shifts

2007-11-07T02:34:00.000Z

Just so you know, I look EXACLY like this on nights..

I just finished 7 night shifts.
The following happened:
- I was asked out by a Murse. Twice.
- Two people asked if I was pregnant.
- An old lady attacked me with her Zimmer frame.
- I forcibly sedated said lady.
- I admitted a man who blew up his hand with a firework.
- I yelled at a drunk driver who nearly killed his best friend.
- I reviewed a guy who on one night had consumed 9 beers, 2 bottles of vodka, 3 rocks of crack and 6 valium.
- I lectured a drunk lady who thought breaking her hip while pissed was funny.
- I slept on a smelly old mattress on the floor for a maximum of 3 hours a night. Friday and Saturday I didn't sleep at all.
- I learnt a new route home.
- I ate a lot of bananas.

I think my holiday was well deserved.

The Sad Tale of Tamsin De La Rouche

2007-11-07T02:23:00.000Z

Just as word of explanation, my cat Cagney, aka Tammy, has evolved to become Tamsin De La Rouche. I don't know why I started calling her that. I guess if she were a show cat, that would be her show name..

Anyway. To cut a long story short, after months of trips back and forth to the vet, on Monday Niki and I discovered that our lovely little munchkin has a big mass in her abdomen..probably a lymphosarcoma..that is causing partial bowel obstruction. She's lost a lot of weight. She can't keep her food down. We don't know how far the cancer has spread.
So on Wednesday she's going for exploratory surgery. If the cancer is extensive she'll be put down under anaesthetic.
I know what you're saying, people. She's a CAT. You're a doctor. You deal with people-life-and-death. But she's lovely and fuzzy and keeps me from getting lonely. And while I would never, ever, want to prolong her suffering, I hope she doesn't die in surgery.

Bad legs

2007-10-21T17:08:00.000+01:00

One day at work I was wearing the above shoes. This conversation followed...

Ward Sister: "Sarah, can you come into my office for a minute? I need to talk to you."
Me: (worried, thinking I'd maybe made some kind of serious error) "Of course, what's the problem?"
Ward Sister: (shuts office door) "Sarah, I looked at you today and thought WHAT is she wearing."
Me: "Errr. Ok"
Ward Sister: "Those shoes. They do nothing whatsoever for your legs."
Me: "Right"
Ward Sister: "I saw you from a distance and thought, 'wow her legs look really fat in those shoes'.."
Me: "Thanks for pointing that out..I better be off"

SERIOUSLY. Thanks for making me feel like crap.

An Arundel Tomb

2007-10-21T14:03:00.000+01:00

I thought I'd post this because I've always loved this poem. Larkin writes beautifully..and oh so cynically..

An Arundel Tomb

Side by side, their faces blurred,
The earl and countess lie in stone,
Their proper habits vaguely shown
As jointed armour, stiffened pleat,
And that faint hint of the absurd -
The little dogs under their feet.

Such plainness of the pre-baroque
Hardly involves the eye, until
It meets his left-hand gauntlet, still
Clasped empty in the other; and
One sees, with a sharp tender shock,
His hand withdrawn, holding her hand.

They would not think to lie so long.
Such faithfulness in effigy
Was just a detail friends would see:
A sculptor's sweet commissioned grace
Thrown off in helping to prolong
The Latin names around the base.

They would no guess how early in
Their supine stationary voyage
The air would change to soundless damage,
Turn the old tenantry away;
How soon succeeding eyes begin
To look, not read. Rigidly they

Persisted, linked, through lengths and breadths
Of time. Snow fell, undated. Light
Each summer thronged the grass. A bright
Litter of birdcalls strewed the same
Bone-littered ground. And up the paths
The endless altered people came,

Washing at their identity.
Now, helpless in the hollow of
An unarmorial age, a trough
Of smoke in slow suspended skeins
Above their scrap of history,
Only an attitude remains:

Time has transfigures them into
Untruth. The stone fidelity
They hardly meant has come to be
Their final blazon, and to prove
Our almost-instinct almost true:
What will survive of us is love.

Philip Larkin

And the lesson today is how to die.

2007-10-21T13:35:00.000+01:00

I imagine most doctors went into their long and arduous training with a very profound sense that they wanted to heal. I certainly did.
But healing is something I'm not sure we do very well. Western medicine cures almost nothing. Infection, perhaps. But most illnesses you come and see me about I will never completely eradicate. Your fractures will result in arthritis one day. Your new hip will never be the same as the old one. Your asthma, diabetes, IHD, COPD, colitis, whatever, will be all about chronic disease management. Even cancer is rarely completely eradicated.
Many of you will never be satisfied with what I try to offer you because you're healthcare consumers. You want me to fix you like you want your i-pod fixed. But I can't send you back to the factory and get a replacement with all the latest updates.
It's a losing battle.
But I have learnt that one of of the tasks of my work is the most important thing I can do. And that's the being part of a journey of dying well. When you and I and your family have accepted that throwing all the invasiveness and discomfort of medicine at you is not only futile, but also cruel, well that's when I can do something. I don't believe in life at any cost - there is nothing sacred about prolonging human suffering. If I can give you some peace and comfort then what else is there? A good death is all any of us can hope for.
One of my most treasured moments recently was giving a lady I was caring for a peaceful, calm, dignified death. I don't believe she was in pain or distressed. She had her family around her. In many ways it was beautiful.
Maybe I'm not in medicine to heal. I'm in medicine to care.

Scary Old Cat Lady

2007-09-30T16:14:00.000+01:00

Dearest readers,

It has been many many weeks since my last post. This is due to the fact that I have been held hostage at work and forced to fix people with broken bits pretty much constantly. I have spent the remaining time stuck in traffic on the A23, or unconscious.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

I am almost 30 (3 months to go - tick tock).
I spend all my time working.
And I share my bed with my cat.

Yes, readers, that last statement is in fact, true. For the past month or so little Lacey aka Kitty has decided that she cannot be parted from me if I'm in the flat. She has become my shadow. And thus, at bedtime, she has claimed the Left Hand Side of my bed. She knows when my alarm goes off in the morning and attempts to be helpful by waking me up on my days off by meowing in my ear, afraid that I have missed my alarm. She gives me affection and unconditional love. She sticks to her side of the bed.

I Found myself thinking that perhaps, readers, she is the perfect Life Partner.
And then I came to my senses and realised that I am becoming a Scary Cat Lady. And if I don't stop it, I'll become a Scary Old Cat Lady...

How are Cagney, Lacey and Stinky?

2007-08-22T17:08:00.000+01:00

I bet you're all wondering how the little menagerie of furry and fishey beasts are getting on...

Well, Stinky is much the same. Niki and I spent a small fortune on a high tech orb fishtank with bubbles and lights and fake plants. He seems happy enough. He's a pretty ugly pet and to be fair, I don't actually interact with him much.

Lacey (above) refuses to answer to Lacey. She will only acknowledge us if we call her Kitty (her old name). She continues to be grumpy, arthritic (she can't jump - she climbs up the furniture) and demands her breakfast at 5am. Her favourite hobby is looking at herself in the mirror for hours on end.

Cagney also insists on being called by her old name, Tammy. She is needy, affectionate, and easily intimidated by Kitty. Her favourite hobbies are sleeping on her manky old brown blanket and being brushed.

I love them.

RIP Elvis

2007-08-16T21:11:00.000+01:00

Mr Elvis Presley, King of Rock and Roll, died 30 (yes 30) years ago today.
Did you know he entered an Elvis Presley look-alike contest and came third? Yes, THIRD.
Isn't that BRILLIANT?

Priorities

2007-08-16T20:52:00.000+01:00

Being a doctor forces you to do one simple thing; assess whether being a doctor is
a) your Number One Priority in life
b) NOT your Number One Priority in life

The new system of training doctors does this by:
1) making you do jobs you have no interest in
2) in locations you don't want to work in
3) in poor working conditions in which you are treated without respect or adequate financial compensation.

Funnily enough, Other Things soon become More Important...
Those little things like..
Friends
Family
Relationships
Sleep
Free Time
A Social Life
Eating

Who wants to be a martyr when you get screamed at by patients and relatives "The NHS is SHIT!!!" as I did today?
Why do we even bother?

A Weird Conversation I Had With A Patient Today

2007-08-06T20:05:00.000+01:00

The patient in question had recently sustained a head injury. I think his frontal lobe may be somewhat impaired...

Me: You need to stay in hospital a while longer until we get things sorted out.
Patient: You're all great people..I mean it..but I hate being in here..I want to go home..
Me: I appreciated that but..
Patient: How would you feel if someone said to you "Why have you got that nail stuck in your nose?".
Me: err
Patient: I mean, what if they said "It makes you look really ugly"
Me: Hmm
Patient: Or "It makes you look like a right trampy slag".
Me: (raises eyebrow)
Patient: Like, "you just look like a filthy cheap nasty.."
[pager goes off]
Me: Err, sorry I really must answer that call..

Orthopod

2007-08-05T20:42:00.000+01:00

So I'm now an Orthopaedic SHO. Yes readers, on August 1st I was banished to Surrey to work in a field I have virtually no knowledge of or interest in.
And I have to drive 2+ hours each day for the priviledge.
This, apparently, is the definition of Being Thrown In At The Deep End.
If you happen to fall over and break your hip, be in an accident on the M25 or injure your bones at Gatwick, you may well end up with yours truly providing the Orthopaedic Opinion.
I'll be the one in the corner frantically flipping through the pages of the 2 textbooks I carry everywhere trying to figure out how to fix you.
I actually cried at work on Friday.
Looks like being left alone to run ITU was the easy bit...

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

2007-07-16T19:33:00.000+01:00

So I rock up to work this morning..actually feeling quite chirpy after a rather good weekend..
And I discover I'm the ONLY DOCTOR WORKING IN ITU.
Let's just repeat that for those of you who did not quite catch it the first time:
THE ONLY DOCTOR WORKING IN ITU
I have been a qualified doctor for almost exactly 1 year now. I'm not entirely useless.
BUT
I Am Not Qualified To Look After 12 Critically Ill People ALONE.
Usually there are 2-3 other more senior doctors with at least 2 years of anaesthetic training with me. Somehow they all managed to be ill/on annual leave/on maternity leave on the same day.
Which left yours truly, working in an NHS Trust too cheap to hire locums, having a small nervous breakdown whilst trying to maintain an air of calm.
Thankfully one of the most junior anaesthetists was eventually dragged down to The Unit to help me.
She'd never worked in ITU before.
God help you all, General Public.

Smoking Desperation

2007-06-30T18:59:00.000+01:00

So July 1st is the first day that Britain goes Smoke Free. No more smoking in workplaces, pubs, restaurants, vans etc etc. Needless to say there are some enterprising folk out there who have thought of clever ways to get round the new legislation..
Take Bob Beech, a Southampton Landlord who has made his pub the Embassy of the uninhabited Carribean Island of Redonda (the pub was formarly the Consulate of Redonda). Its King, Robert the Bald (I kid you not) knighted Bob and gave his blessing for the embassy. With full Embassy status, Bob could allow smoking in The Wellington Arms.
Turns out, Redonda is a territory of Antigua and Barbuda..so Bob's plans have been thwarted by the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.
You have to admire the lateral thinking that went in to attempting to circumvent the ban, even if smoking is a foul habit that will keep me in work for ever more.

Why Sarah is a Mobile Phone Salesman's Ideal Customer

2007-06-24T12:59:00.000+01:00

It's that time of year again..mobile handset upgrade time!
So yesterday I started looking...

Me (already impressed): Oooohh look it's red and has a big screen!!
Salesman: Well hello..would you like to see our working model of that handset?
Me: Oooooooh yes!!
Salesman: Have a play.
Me (pressing random buttons): Nice.
Salesman: In fact with this handset you get unlimited use of MSN Messenger...
Me: WOW! Brilliant! How fantastic! oooooooohhhh..
(plays with handset a little longer pressing all the buttons but achieving nothing)
Salesman (clearing seeing I'm an idiot): And do you know what our Sling application is?
Me: Nope, absolutely not.
Salesman: Look..you can watch TV from your house anywhere in the country on the handset..in fact here is Sky+ from out head office..
(sure enough..BBC News..Tennis)
Me: WOW!!!!!!!! Amazing... OOOOOOOOHHHHH
(I would never use this..)
Salesman: And you can use Skype on this phone!
Me (just about fainting in awe of the Technology): oh.my.god.
Salesman (looking smug): Here. Just play around as much as you like..

Now clearly I am not au fait with the current stuff available on mobiles because I was Blown Away by all the cool stuff I could do on this damn phone. Hey, yes, I can replace multiple organ functions with jazzy life support machines. But STILL I'm impressed.
How sad is that.

Needless to say, from Upgrade Day (July 8th) I will have more phone functions that I can use...

Song of the day

2007-06-20T21:30:00.000+01:00

All hail. Truly a work of genius.

Sanuk part 2

2007-06-18T22:31:00.000+01:00

Alain De Botton, in his book Status Anxiety, writes briefly on the very modern aspiration to live life in an upward trajectory. He asserts that the goal to constantly upgrade all aspects of ones' life results in a state of inevitable dissatisfaction and anxiety.
It struck me that this is an assumption that is easy to make in life (particularly in London) - that we need to strive to have bigger/better/faster/more attractive jobs/houses/partners/friends/stereo equipment etc etc etc. That every year things should be closer to perfection than last year..
But when I thought about it, he's right, life doesn't really progress like that. At least not in a way that might make you happy. Historically people lived cyclical lives - day and night, months, seasons, years, lifetimes. A cycle of productivity, reproduction, learning, working at things.
The pressure now is to make things 'better', quickly. There is no longer any value attributed to seeing change as inherently developmental - and that development in itself as being worthwhile. The emphasis is on more rather than different or growing.
And so is it any surprise that we are unhappy with our lot? And that we DO need to question our assumptions about what success is?

Sanuk

2007-06-17T21:38:00.001+01:00

I am no longer lost

2007-06-10T12:47:00.001+01:00

Well, don't get too excited. Of course I am still existentially lost in an almost-30-life-crisis type way.

But geographically speaking, I am found! Or rather I can find places, thanks to Nuvi! Nuvi is my lovely new widescreen Sat Nav system. It talks to me in the car! It has a big shiny screen! It makes my phone hands free! It knows where the nearest petrol station/supermarket etc is anywhere in the UK/World!

So if you ever need me to come and find you somewhere random, just let me know! As long as you know the postcode...

This is what happens to your inspiration to blog when you take a week off work and a month off dating

2007-06-07T12:15:00.001+01:00

Good, huh!

Which is harder: building an Ikea Chest or inserting a CVP Line?

2007-06-04T21:51:00.001+01:00

This is the chest of drawers I am attempting to build from Ikea. It has taken several futile hours for me and Niki to FAIL to build it. It's in about 8 million parts. They don't fit. ARRRGGH.

This is inserting a CVP line. It generally goes in the right internal jugular vein. It involves sticking a large needle, a wire, and a multi-lumen tube into a big blood vessel in the neck. I do these at work.

It is SIGNIFICANTLY easier to put a CVP line in than it is to build an Ikea chest. How depressing is that?

No Dating Month

2007-06-04T21:38:00.000+01:00

I have decided that June is officially No Dating For Sarah Month. I haven't been on a date in..at least 2 weeks..and what a relief it is! So I have decided to extend the Sarah Is Happily Alone period for a minimum of a month. No wasted evenings. No F***wittery. Just one happy girl.

Besides, what are the chances of falling in love twice in one year?

Thanks, Mum...

2007-05-28T18:36:00.000+01:00

Thanks to my Mum, who helpfully emailed me an article called "Is he only interested in sex?". I think I probably have that one figured out by now! But for those of you who remain unsure, I shall replicate the bullet points..

Sign #1: He only communicates via text messages or emails
(unless he's a mute in which case this is unfair.. or like me REALLY bad on the phone..)
Sign #2: He warns you that he’s not relationship material
(well, DUH..but then we've all overlooked that one..)
Sign #3: You’ve been to the same restaurant with him more than once in one month
(I think this one is a bit unfair!)
Sign #4: He makes too many promises
(I count making none at all as more of a warning sign, but maybe that's just me..)
Sign #5: He only makes last-minute, late-night plans to see you
(Duh)
Sign #6: He avoids getting-to-know-you talks
(Duh)
Sign #7: He’s pushy about getting physical
(DUH)
Sign #8: He doesn’t introduce you to his friends
(Again, DUH)

Mum, I'm thinking men avoid women who get their dating tips from MSN Dating & Personals... Or is that just me?

In another life I'd be...

2007-05-28T11:08:00.000+01:00

A Jazz Singer...

After an evening at Ronnie Scott's I've decided that in another life I'd be a jazz singer.. Sexy, mysterious, glamorous..I'd sing songs of love lost and found in a low-lit lounge filled with dreamers. I'd follow up my set with a gin martini at the bar and a tuxedo-clad handsome admirer..
The small, but vital, flaw in this plan is my complete and utter inability to sing (in this life at least..).
*Sigh*

Spinoff

2007-05-19T17:51:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking for a while about doing a spinoff blog, based on just one topic..anonymously. Here are my ideas, and why they won't work!

Idea 1) What Kind of F***ery Is This?: A life in bad dates
(Thank you Amy Winehouse for the phrase..I'm loving your album..very bitter and twisted)
I've been mostly single for about a year now, and in this year I've been on a lot of 'interesting' dates.. In fact I'm kicking myself for not starting a dating blog a long time ago. Seriously, you would not believe some of the evenings I've had.
- The Most Boring Man In the World
- The Boy with the Nylon Fetish
- The Guy Who Emailed Me a Photo Of His Genitals After One Date
- The Man With a Ponytail Who Took Me to a Restaurant that Didn't Serve Alcohol (and was not BYOB..)
- The Guy Who Was 20 Years Older Than His Picture
I could go on, and on, and on.
But, as someone said to me today, dating is a hell of a lot of fun when you don't care. But when you do care, it's the hardest thing in the world.
And at the moment I don't feel like doing a dating blog..because somewhere along the line I started caring..and I think a dating blog should be silly and funny..but if/when I change my mind I'll let y'all know.

Idea 2) Haunted: Life (and death) as a Junior Doctor
A patient actually once told me that if I couldn't fix him, he'd haunt me after he died. I don't think I have any ghosts just yet, but I was thinking of doing a doctoring blog. Mainly as a form of catharsis. At the moment, in Intensive Care, I work pretty close to the brink of death. People are unimaginably ill. Every week, without fail, people die. Rarely peacefully. Dealing with both the sick and those who are left behind takes its toll. There is not much peace or joy in this kind of work..a great deal of comraderie, black humour, incredibly smart and talented people...but it's not what I need from my work.
This would
a) be the most depressing blog in the world
b) I don't think it would be possible to do well without breaking confidentiality.
So I've binned that idea too.

So for now, readers, (if there are any of you out there) you'll have to settle for my random thoughts...

What goes through Sarah's head during CPR?

2007-05-15T20:26:00.000+01:00

I was doing CPR at 8.02am this morning. 8.02! That's before coffee time!
Fortunately resuscitation in ITU is a fairly chilled out affair. We can sit and watch the monitors and wait until there's no cardiac output before starting. All the good drugs are close by. The defibrillator is ready.
So what was I thinking while doing CPR?

-"how annoying, my hair keeps getting in my eyes"
-"wow, my arms hurt ALREADY, I really need to work on my upper body strength"
-"is the anaesthetist who turned up actually quite hot? or am I half asleep?"
-"when is coffee time?"
-"can somebody take over the chest compressions now?"

Deep, meaningful, profound stuff.
Meanwhile, someone is DYING while I pound on their chest.
I have no soul, do I?

I love Dilbert

2007-05-14T19:09:00.000+01:00

Glamour Saturday/Rainy Sunday

2007-05-13T12:26:00.000+01:00

Well, dear readers, I think I maxed out on the Things You're Supposed To Do To Be Glamorous yesterday:
-coffee and croissants for breakfast
-shopping, shopping, shopping
-champagne whilst watching Sex and the City (ok, a cliche)
-nice nails (I need a job where I can ALWAYS have nice nails)
-stilettoes (I tell you, wearing trainers in ITU has ruined my ability to do distance walking in stilettoes! NOOO!)
-make-up that would make Dita Von Teese proud (thank you to Brandon at MAC for teaching me how!)
-ridiculously expensive cocktails (oooh..a Hendrick's gin martini with a twist..what joy!)
-some minor theft (ok, that was Niki..you'd think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth..)

I still didn't FEEL glamorous though..Weird.

And this morning I woke up feeling kinda blue. Maybe it's the rain. The grey. The chronic exhaustion?

So the tattoo has been postponed.. It just doesn't feel like the right day. And I really want it to feel right. I've waited this long..I can wait a little longer.

So instead I'm having a little home improvement day..making my bedroom into a little sanctuary..hanging pictures..maybe a bath..maybe a movie..most likely an afternoon glass of wine and a nap.

Weekend Plans: Sarah vs Niki

2007-05-10T17:45:00.000+01:00

It's ALMOST the weekend. Thank god. I'm totally exhausted..I need to do something nice. I've given just about all I have to give lately. There's not much in reserve. I need some Happy Time. Or I'll end up with pneumonia again.

Thus far there are 2 competing ideas for a weekend activity:

Sarah votes: get her LONG awaited tattoo (at least 10 years in the making). This would be a completely self-indulgent All About Me activity..
Niki votes: buy a new washer-dryer. This would be for the Greater Good of our flat..plus mean all my clothes can be tumble-dried-fluffy once again..

Obviously these activities are not mutually exclusive..

But Niki and I also need to fit some much needed, seemingly long missing, Glamour into our lives. This is Glamour Weekend.

Smile

2007-05-09T19:14:00.000+01:00

For some reason this utterly cracked me up. No idea why.

Rain stops play

2007-05-08T17:55:00.000+01:00

On a lighter note, (phew, I hear you say), I want to complain about the monsoon style rain yesterday. Not because it ruined a picnic or BBQ or anything. But because it meant I couldn't dress pretty like I'd been dreaming about for the past 7 days.
I love wearing scrubs, don't get me wrong. They require zero thought in the morning. I never mismatch. And TV shows like Scrubs and ER have made scrubs..well, sexy (I wear navy FYI).

But they do feel like PYJAMAS. They are utterly ASEXUAL. They leave me feeling..frumpy. So after a long week and weekend at work I really fancied digging out my nice shoes (ooh maybe the cream wedges I haven't worn this year..ooh maybe the black peeptoe slingbacks that have a 50s retro edge) and my dresses/skirts..ANYTHING to feel like a woman.

But oooohhhh nooo. Thanks, English weather. After some beautiful sunshine/heat etc, you pick my ONE day off to make anything I want to wear completely impractical.

So what do I manage? Black trousers and a black blouse that feel spookily like..yes, you guessed it, SCRUBS!!

AND I had to take my fake nails off. Grrrr. I need some glamour in my life.

How fragile we are

2007-05-08T17:36:00.000+01:00

Despite having worked in hospitals for more than 6 years now, it's only occasionally that it's all brought home that terrible things can happen to any of us at any time. It's easy to pretend that the really bad things happen to other people. How else could you stay sane?
I don't know if you read in the news today about a horrific crash on the M25 Sunday night which left 5 young men from a stag party, and a lorry driver, dead. Another guy from the party is in hospital.
It turns out I knew 3 of those guys. Not well, but I knew them. All 6 were aged between 25 and 30.
The tragedy of lives being cut short so prematurely is a theme I keep finding myself coming back to. The feeling that life is too short, that each moment is precious, is one I find myself trying to hold on to.

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
Alfred D'Souza

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
Mark Twain

Shifting deckchairs on the Titanic

2007-05-06T21:10:00.000+01:00

I worked 70 hours this week.
Including this weekend.
I'm tired.
Shifting deckchairs on the Titanic is tiring stuff.
And the relatives, dear god, the relatives..they drain me.. The crying, the wailing, the begging in their eyes for hope you can't give.

But I have one whole day to myself. 36 hours off.

Would you change your name by deed poll?

2007-05-02T20:17:00.000+01:00

It has cheered me up ENDLESSLY to have a comedy patient who has changed his name by deed poll. Needless to say he's a complete nutter.
[Yes, I know, all my political correctness has gone out the window.]
Unfortunately, due to the constraints of the rights of the patient to confidentiality, I can't actually disclose my patient's name.
Arrgh!
But pick your favourite movie hero, and pretend he's called that!
Weirdly, he flatly refuses to talk about the movie(s) in question..
It cracks me up every single time I get asked to do something for him though..
Nurse: [sniggering]: "Doctor, can you put a new cannula in XXXX XXXXXXXXX?"
Me: [falling around in fits of laughter]: "Man, that never wears thin.."

Learning point for you all: even if you think it's a wicked idea to change your name to something heroic, EVERYONE will take the piss until the day you die. Maybe not to your face. But they will.

Quote of the week

2007-04-30T22:04:00.000+01:00

Entirely unnecessary pic of me in a London beer garden. Oooh wine..

And quote I love:

"Hopefully karma will owe you plenty of awesome and deliver a stellar end to ’07."

How Rich rocks.

Teardrop

2007-04-30T20:57:00.000+01:00

It's hard to be back at work.
Today I had to certify the death of a beautiful healthy man whose brain had haemorrhaged. So much even the neurosurgeons couldn't fix him.
As I lifted his eyelid to confirm that his pupils were fixed and dilated, a single heavy tear rolled down his cheek.
I knew intellectually that this was just secretory, not emotion.
But still it seemed as if this man was grieving for himself..for his loss..for leaving his wife and daughter too soon..
It was too sad.

Marrakech

2007-04-29T17:20:00.000+01:00

Hello readers,

I thought you might all like some visuals from the recent jaunt to Marrakech. Utterly crazy place.

This is the view from the Cafe where Niki and I bumped into Jo and Jess - my doctor mates from London!! I knew they'd be in Morocco doing some high Atlas mountain climbing, but it was really rather exciting bumping into them in this little sanctuary from the crazy souks...

Aforementioned crazy souk..looking very quiet..Niki sat in a gutter for 3 hours to get this shot...

Apparently Mohammed VI is very keen to retain tradition whilst making Morocco a modern country... Mmmm. So THIS is the European district.. I rather think not..

Dinner in the Big Square.. Is that a ram's head? A hard boiled egg.. can't I get a beer with that?? Oh yeah..it's a Muslim country..

I saw this in a gallery. I love it.

And this is the gallery. They do a good lunch too..

Our private balcony overlooking the courtyard in the Riad

FINALLY - booze! Niki and Sarah's favourite bar (they make a TERRIBLE Gin Martini though..) . Just so you're not worried..we DID buy gin and vodka in duty free to take with us for early evening cocktails. It was all ok. And they do sell tonic in Marrakech.

I give you best Asda price...

2007-04-26T13:18:00.000+01:00

Dear Readers,

Greetings from Marrakech!
Niki and I thought we'd say hi from this crazy place...

Good stuff:
Insanely beautiful restaurants, bars and hotels..all deadly romantic (Niki and I are THRILLED to be here with each other), gorgeous home furnishings, peaceful sanctuaries to be found down the most dodgy looking alleys..

Bad stuff:
I wish I was a man. Or accompanied by a man; Niki agrees. The hassle in the streets is incessant. Weirdly all the local men can say is "Hello. Sexy Ladies. Fish and Chips." You have never seen me dress so modestly..covered neck to ankle, and still we are assumed to be ropey western sluts.

Still, it's a lot of fun. And we know where to get a lovely glass of wine surrounded by rose petals..

Love Sarah and Niki

The music and the misery

2007-04-23T18:40:00.000+01:00

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"

High Fidelity

Isn't it weird how music can completely and utterly affect your mood?

For example, the other day when I was having my existential crisis about the cruelty of flogging dead horses in ITU (sorry, but it's true).. Coldplay's 'Fix You' just about tipped me over the edge....probably my interpretation of the lyrics there..

Here, you try. Let's use 'Fix You' as an example. Imagine you're a young ITU doctor who feels there's a certain inhumanity in trying to prolong a life that is already over..have a few glasses of wine/a G&T etc.. Get that melancholy mood going..

Then stick a little Coldplay on..

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

If you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Now I would encourage you to interpret the lyrics as being about someone trying to die in peace..let their 'soul' leave their body..while some idiot in ITU tries to 'fix them'..Throw in any other heartache you might have..Then cry and promise yourself you'll learn from your mistakes..

THEN throw your Coldplay CD in the bin, tell yourself to get a grip and stop reading too much into Chris Martin's angst, and buy some tickets to "Blades of Glory" or some other comedy fluff.

[Just as a side note, I did think about becoming a florist, but apparently they have a very high suicide rate..hmm..any other career suggestions?]

Check out ZIG..

2007-04-22T09:00:00.001+01:00

Rich is 2nd from the right. Look how they rock.

A Bridget Jones Moment

2007-04-21T17:47:00.000+01:00

Yes, I do know that fundamentally, 'Bridget Jones' Diary' is Not A Good Movie.
But there is one scene that I identify with so completely that I felt it blogworthy. It makes me laugh..and cry (inwardly).
Do you remember Bridget, sat alone in her flat, in her thick pyjamas, smoking and drunk on red wine..singing "All By Myself" at the top of her voice? You can watch it on this very post..I'm getting cleverer at this blog lark..
Cracks me up every time. Fortuantely it's in the first 5 minutes of the movie so the rest is unnecessary.

I am in a quandry.
I officially Cannot Be Bothered To Date Any More.
But I don't want to spend the rest of my life sleeping alone. And turn into one of the little old lady spinsters that come into A&E with their little old lady spinster best friend..and we all say "awwwww..how cute"..which it is, until it's you..
I think my friend Imran had it right with his arranged marriage. Get your family to pick someone well researched and nice, and then just get on with it..

Would it be wrong to shave Cagney and Lacey?

2007-04-20T19:00:00.000+01:00

Another existential dilemma..

My cats Cagney and Lacey are VERY fluffy.

The are adorable and love me in my most miserable moments.

But, god, the cat hair is EVERYWHERE..

And even worse..they bring up icky yucky furballs..

Maybe they can't help it..

But it's GROSS.

So would it be wrong to shave them? Just a number 2 all over?

Is it unethical to give a gorgeous fuzzy cat a haircut?!

Just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD

2007-04-19T19:25:00.000+01:00

Well folks, after almost bursting into tears once again at work, I think we can conclusively say that Sarah is NOT cut out to be an Intensive Care specialist.
I think I knew already that I don't believe in life at any cost. But this week I have watched 3 people being put through horribly invasive painful procedures (some of which I performed) and then die within 12 hours. All 3 were over the age of 80. 2 were well known to Palliative Care with metastatic cancer. In my opinion, none should ever have been brought through the door to ITU.
It broke my heart to see these people die in such traumatic circumstances. It's true that for many, the trip to ITU is worth it. Desperately ill people recover and return home to normal lives (albeit with residual ITU-related post-traumatic stress disorder). But for these 3 I believely strongly that they should have been comfortable, with family, knowing they were loved. For what else is really important?
I feel really guilty for being the one to inflict pain and suffering, for the very faintest hope of..what? I don't know.. a few more hours on a ventilator, alone in a coma?
I realised I don't want to be that person. This is someone else's job..someone I admire and respect and hope that one day, if needed, they will go all out for me or my family. But it isn't the job for me.

*Sigh*
I'm tired. Need a hug. Need a G&T. Need a sleep.

Organ Transplant

2007-04-18T00:14:00.000+01:00

I want to make it ABSOLUTELY clear. In the event of my death, should ANY organs be viable for harvest, it is my WISH that organ harvest should occur.

No arguments within the family, between my friends, or with the transplant team.

Take EVERYTHING possible.

The tragedy of not donating when viable organs exist is unimaginable.

Fragility

2007-04-16T20:12:00.000+01:00

I like this picture because I am really, genuinely, happy in it.

It's been another rough day in ITU.
One of my patient's is coning. This means that the contents of her skull are herniating through into her spinal cord. Soon she will be brain stem dead. She's young and beautiful. Last week she didn't know she would die so soon. This week she's an organ donor.

So this evening I wanted to think about how short life is..and how precious moments of joy are.

Lion Cubs and Men

2007-04-15T22:28:00.000+01:00

My friend Jo has a theory that men (and, bien sur, many women) are very similar to young lions.

They come up to you all gorgeous and cute, and play with you rather adorably for a while.

Then they completely batter you kill-style until you're defeated and almost dead.

At this point they gamble off enthusiastically to their next gazelle.

Meanwhile, you lick your wounds and slowly get yourself back up.

Naturellement, as soon as you can stand again on your own two feet, the young cat comes charging back again (adorably, of course) for another play. And just as you think you're having fun, they get the claws back out and pretty much destroy you. All over again.

Kill, Pussycat, Kill, Kill.

Now if this is true I suspect that, in this life, the trick is:

a) be the pussycat, not the gazelle

b) get the hell off the Savannah

Not entirely convinced by the theory Jo, but nice one..

Transitional Object

2007-04-15T21:34:00.000+01:00

I have been a transitional object. How depressing. Thanks, Mum.

The 'transitional object' is, in essence, a safety blanket used in the transition between dependence and independence. In traditional psychoanalytic terms, this has been interpreted as the mechanism in which the child attains its' sense sense of 'self' as separate from the mother. Often, a blanket is literally used as a form of comfort in this stressful period of development.

In the interpretation of adult relationships, a person can fulfill the role of the transitional object, facilitating the change in a someone's life, from together to apart.

Eventually, an individual no longer needs the transitional object to feel comfortable in the new, independent role.

I'm seeing a relationship pattern here...

But on the up-side, I got a new piercing. Yay. And I love the guys at the piercing place - they're going to do my tattoo for me..

ZIG play Tractor

2007-04-15T12:26:00.000+01:00

My bro Rich performed at the Tractor Tavern on Friday night! http://tractortavern.citysearch.com/

He's been working on an album (performing and producing) with ZIG called Cranium Miner's Blues.. buy it people at Sonic Boom or Easy Street Records (if you happen to be in Seattle...)..or listen at http://www.myspace.com/zigzuege

I'm so proud! :-)

Shunt

2007-04-14T10:03:00.000+01:00

Last night my friend Jo took me out to an evening being hosted by her mate Lex..deep underneath London Bridge Station, in the arches...

Apparently..

"The SHUNT LOUNGE is a members' bar,deep in the tunnels under London Bridge Station.Open every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.Doors open from 6 PM to 11 PM(but once inside the bar is open late).
Each week will be curated by a different Shunt artist.Some will fill the space with nonstop entertainment, some will do next to nothing, fortunately the bar staff are more reliable. "

You go in a tiny door between a pie shop and a bagel shop..and enter a huge tunnel, which leads to some connected vaulted spaces..

Last night's performance art was..mm difficult to describe..set in a boxing ring..in which a morbidly obese gay man wrestled a skinny bearded man to the Divinyls classic "I touch myself".

Weird stuff.

There's also a big bar with pretty cheap drinks, tables, candles, carpets to sit in, installations, DJs..

www.shunt.co.uk

I'd definitely recommend it as a change to your usual Friday.

My favourite quote from Jo (of my new shoes):

"Sarah, those shoes are so fabulous they were pretty much WORTH getting dumped for!"

Intensive Care

2007-04-12T20:53:00.000+01:00

Well, as y'all probably know I now work in Critical Care (the Intensive Care and High Dependency Unit) .
WEIRD job.
As the pic above probably demonstrates, there are a LOT of machines and lines and kit to get used to.
And a lot of death. These are sick, sick, sick people. And a good proportion don't make it out alive.
Today I borrowed a book called 'Managing Death in the Intensive Care Unit'. Cheery stuff, huh.
It's good, actually. There's a chapter called 'Helping the Clinician Cope with Death'.

Apparently some of the manifestations of the stressors involved in caring for the dying include:
-depression, grief and guilt
-distancing, depersonalization and intellectualization
-anger, irritability and frustration
-helplessness, inadequacy and insecurity

I can see it. In fact I think they're the manifestations of most of the big stresses in life.

Reminded me how vital it is to find some peace in my personal life.
I'm working on it.

Unhelpful quote of the day

2007-04-10T07:19:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Nick for this one:

Nick: "Sarah, I've been thinking..sooner or later we're both going to have to accept that people over the age of thirty who are single have something seriously, fundamentally, wrong with them. And you might be 29, but I'm going to include you in that category too."

Me: "I hate you."

I'm going to Morocco!!!

2007-04-09T18:07:00.000+01:00

Hello readers,

Well, firstly, you will all be glad to know that my pneumonia is pretty much resolved..still bit of a cough, still a bit short of breath..but MUCH better. I should be back running in another week.

And I am thus MUCH happier!

I may have gone slightly scary and insane over the past week, but I think normal service is resuming (if on a slightly reduced schedule).

I've done many expensive things over the past week to cheer myself up (Shop It Out, as Niki says):

new lingerie

new Little Black Dress

Cocktails and Dim Sum

Killer new heels

trip to Brighton

but perhaps the most extravagant is...

GOING TO MOROCCO IN 2 WEEKS!!!!!

Niki and I are going to Marrakech!
www.riadslotus.com - check out the Privilege in Marrakech...

How can a girl be uncheered with a holiday, great shoes, fabulous underwear, a hot dress and 5lbs lost!
Happy days are here again..

Love Sarah xx

I got asked out in WH Smith

2007-04-06T10:59:00.000+01:00

Dear readers,

Now THIS cheered me up yesterday! I was in WH Smith feeling kinda blue and hacking up a lung (mmm attractive) when a thirtysomething man came up to me..

Me: [Staring blankly into space at shelves]

Man: "I keep being told I'm not spontaneous enough..and I've walked past you four times now..and I just had to tell you that I think you're really foxy."

Me: (confused given my ill health!) "Er..thanks!" (goes bright red)

Man: "Would I be stepping on anyone's toes if I asked you if I could take you out for a coffee sometime?"

Me: (given events of late) "Er..I'm not looking to date anyone right now, but that's really sweet of you to ask!" (still bewildered)

Man: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Man: "Well, if you see me around say hi." (smiles and walks off)

HOW WEIRD IS THAT!?

Turns out I'm attractive with pneumonia..

Actually, I have to say the pneumonia diet is working quite well..the combination of mucky lungs, evil clarithromycin (the nausea inducing antibiotic from hell), and general self-pity, have made me lose my appetite and thus a few pounds. Hurrah!

ENOUGH SELF PITY!

2007-04-05T13:13:00.000+01:00

I didn't get the job I wanted for the next year. So my 3 bad things have happened! I can now relax.
This song cheered me up today:

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen): A song version of an essay that 'Quinden Tarver' aka Baz Luhrman recorded. An alternative version of Max Erhmann's 'Desiderata'

Ways people have tried to cheer me up this week!

2007-04-05T10:08:00.000+01:00

Thank you to all the lovely kind people in my life who have tried to cheer me up this week. It has been hugely appreciated, and I apologise for remaining miserable! I'm afraid the pneumonia has made me somewhat grumpy..

1) Thanks to Ann and Belinda who suggested a boy-toy.. Not really what I'm after, but a sweet idea!

2) The lovely Niki has come up with an end of April sunny holiday - I'm going to take her up on that one..

3) Gemma and Jo are going to take me out on the town! Yay. Post-illness, that'll be EXACTLY what I need.

4) Lots of hugs. Including virtual hugs from my Mum (see previous post). Perfect.

5) Roland reminded me of this episode of Sex and the City ( and the associated book which spookily my Mum gave me last year..)..not sure it exactly cheered me up, but made me smile.

From my Mum

2007-04-04T18:38:00.000+01:00

“Love is never lost.
If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart”

Washington Irvine

Life sucks

2007-04-03T20:07:00.000+01:00

I am officially having a Bad Week.
Not improved by the fact that I have pneumonia and thus can't cheer myself in the usual healthy way (gin and tonic).
Any ideas on how to cheer a blue girl up?

The Road Not Taken

2007-04-02T16:43:00.000+01:00

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I—I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Doctor heal thyself

2007-04-02T10:08:00.000+01:00

Dearest readers,

As has been the case about 18 times in the past month, I am once again ill. I have worked the past 7 days (a total of 80 hours last week, including 5 days on call) and I suspect that's sufficient patient contact time to pick up any contagious bug in the hospital.
Yesterday I was coughing so horrendously that I was actually drinking cough syrup directly from the bottle in the corridors between seeing patients. I actually had to stop consultations half way through so I could go and cough discreetly.
How disgusting.
Having already treated myself about a week ago with antibiotics (which worked, I might add), I thought I should see my GP. First appointment: April 12th.
Hmm.
No wonder the general public rock up to A&E with their lame coughs.

Love Sarah x

Wish I was here again..

2007-03-19T13:07:00.000Z

Mum and Dad!!

Infinity pool...

Cocktail time

Lunch seat!

Ah the tropics..

Me!

The girls are in paradise

2007-03-02T20:53:00.000Z

Either the sun has gone to my head or this is quite funny.
I've been winding my Mum up about her old lady comments:

"Oooh my hip"
"Oh my varicose veins are aching"
Etc.

Still, no-one can believe that she's old enough to have a 29 year old doctor daughter. She certainly looks AT LEAST 10 years younger than she is.
I even got asked yesterday what grade (of school) I'm in!
yay! I got the good genes too!

Why do rich old men pee in public in fancy caribbean resorts?

2007-03-02T12:24:00.000Z

Dear readers,

Firstly, hello from the British Virgin Islands!

So my Mum and I have a question, as above:

WHY DO RICH OLD MEN PEE IN PUBLIC IN FANCY CARIBBEAN RESORTS?!?!

My Mum has come across this behaviour TWICE, by 2 different wrinkly old men.

Case 1: Wrinkly rich old man 1 pees in beach shower
Case 2: Wrinkly rich old man 2 pees with door open in resort toilet

Are their prostates so enlarged they can't manage to behave appropriately (get to toilet/shut door)?
Do they have flasher tendencies and want random women to see their wrinkly old tackle?
Are they on the pull?
Or (most likely I suspect) are they just rich and don't care?

*Sigh*
Are the days gone of being gentlemanly?

Hey, Rum really IS cheaper than Coke here! 3 bottles of rum for 10 bucks.
Yo ho ho.

Anyway. Mum and I really must get back to languishing in paradise.

Love Sarah

Odd jobs and psychoanalysis

2007-02-20T21:30:00.000Z

I have occasional moments of clarity when I recall how truly odd my job is.

Today I took over the care of a lady who was discharged from the Intensive Care Unit to my ward to die. I had to phone her family to let them know that we were withdrawing all treatment...and thus it is now merely a matter of time until her death.

I also went to the mortuary to check that a man that died while I was examing him yesterday didn't have a pacemaker..a legal requirement for filling in a cremation form..and then filled in his death certificate.

And then I bought an Americano and a blueberry muffin, and talked about nothing to my colleagues.

Some days I wonder what it would be like to do something NORMAL with my days. I don't know a single doctor who doesn't fantasise about being a florist, or an astronaut..or anything else.

Somewhat randomly (actually not, but I won't go into it all) I thought I'd share this quote with you:

when making a decision

of minor importance,

i have always found it advantageous

to consider all the pros and cons.

in vital matters, however...

the decision should come

from the unconscious,

from somewhere within ourselves.

in the important

decisions of personal life,

we should be governed by the

deep inner needs of out nature.

Sigmund Freud

My Mum shared that one with me. Makes a lot of sense.

Dr Valentine On-Call

2007-02-14T10:13:00.000Z

Hello readers!

Happy Valentines Day to you!

I am spending this fine February 14th as the Medical Ward On Call Doctor..which is my very least favourite thing to do, and means I spend noon til 1am covering every single medical ward in the hospital (plus all the elderly care wards after 9pm)..

This is a standard call I get from a ward:

Me (grumpily): "Hello, this is Sarah the on-call for medicine"
Nurse: "Oh, hello doct-or..you must come and see this patient..we're very worried about him"
Me: "Ok, why are you worried"
Nurse: "Oh, well, he's just not very well at all.."
Me (getting grumpier): "Why is he in hospital"
Nurse: "oh, well, he's not actually my patient, I'll just go and check.." (disappears for 3 minutes)
Nurse: "well, I think he has a chest infection"
Me: "So what are his obs like" (lastest blood pressure/heart rate/temperature - to try and ascertain if this patient is critically unwell)
Nurse: "oh, well, he's not my patient..so I'll just find out" (dumps phone on desk loudly and disappears)
Nurse:"ok..he's pyrexial at 38.4, and tachycardic..etc"
Me: "Ok. I'll come and see him. What's his name?"
Nurse: "oh..I'll just have to check the notes" (fumbles around with paper for 2 minutes)
Nurse: "John Doe"
Me: "ok. what ward are you on?"
Nurse: "John Doe"
Me: "No what WARD are you on?"
Nurse: JOHN DOE"
Me: "WHAT WARD ARE YOU ON"

ARRRRRGGGHHHH

This is repeated approximately every 3 minutes for 13 hours.
Oh the joy of being a doctor.

Spread the Valentines love, people.

Sick Day

2007-01-31T13:21:00.000Z

Yup, I'm ill. 2nd day off. Stupid viral thing that's going around. I've cured myself with lots of sleep. Me and Cagney are watching Sky Plus on the sofa bed. She snores a lot for a little cat. In some ways it's better being ill than at work..

For Jim

2006-12-01T06:15:00.000Z

For Jim Hebert, who died too young, of a glioblastoma multiforme. His memorial was today, 30th November 2006, at the Seattle Asian Art Museum. I hope he rests in peace.

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends-
It gives a lovely light!

Emily Dickinson

Snow Storm!

2006-11-29T01:22:00.000Z

Brrrrrrr.
Yes, we are stuck in Seattle in a snow storm!
The roads are slicked with ice (particularly the one up the hill my parents' house is on) and there is snow all around.
So we are snowed in! All the schools and colleges are shut. Even the Microsoft campus is officially closed..
Today Niki, Mum and I made an expedition down the hill on foot to the gas station (for milk) and to Starbucks (for vital nourishment with caffeine and cookies). Tragically I was injured on the journey..I slipped on the ice. :-( Fortunately I was wearing my new goose down jacket so I was warm, even if I had a sore knee.
Niki and I have been watching back-to-back CSI and napping.
Ah, enforced relaxation. How I need it.

Snow stops play

2006-11-28T04:06:00.000Z

Here in Seattle Mum, Niki and I were planning a 2 night luxury jaunt to Vancouver, BC. This has been tragically cancelled by the completely unexpected hefty snowfall that has blanketed Seattle. This is like Christmas come early (except with me warm and indoors and sipping champagne, not working in A&E)! So sad about the cancelled trip. But happy to be relaxing. And a good thing I spent a small fortoona on an extremely warm goose down North Face jacket today. Essential.

Cagney and Lacey

2006-11-24T03:10:00.000Z

I introduce to you, the world, my new cats Cagney and Lacey!!

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-24T03:02:00.000Z

Dear Readers,

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I'm thankful for:

1) My family

2) My dear friends

3) Being in Seattle at this festive time

4) Consequently, not being at work

5) Cagney and Lacey (my new cats)

6) Not to be left out, Stinky the Fish

7) My home that Niki and I just bought

8) My bed

9) Sleep

10) Wine

11) My car

12) My job, even if it is thankless and underpaid, and I get to work illegal hours for the priviledge

13) Everything else pertaining to health, wealth and happiness.

Mucho thankful love,

Sarah

Croydon Trauma

2006-10-27T20:16:00.000+01:00

This is your standard history from a young male admitted to Mayday Hospital having been assaulted:

"I was out last night..I had maybe one pint..and I was just standing minding my own business outside a pub/nightclub/alley at 1am..and totally unprovoked, 6 bouncers/random men I have never seen before came over and beat the crap out of me/stabbed me/shot me. I have no idea why."

Christ.
Can't they think of a better story?

Naps

2006-10-18T21:12:00.000+01:00

Niki is away in Scotland at the moment..so when I get home from work I just fall asleep! I went to bed as soon as I got home tonight..woke up to make dinner (no fun when there's no-one else to cook for..)..and am pondering going back to bed! Life is so polarised! Work (hospital medicine is a bit of an extreme sport)/skydiving and complete unconsciousness..

Check me out!!!

2006-10-18T20:51:00.000+01:00

Sky Dive!!!

2006-10-15T11:17:00.000+01:00

So life was getting a little dull..work/sleep/work/sleep..and I decided I needed a new challenge..

So why not jump out of a plane, with a group of doctors and nurses (and a police officer)?!!

I was the surgical house officer on call on Friday night, so it was hard getting home after work at 1am, having to wind down, and then leaving at 5.30am to pick people up to drive to North Cambridgeshire!

We went to the North London Parachute Club, near the little town of March. We got there around 8.30 to register..and then there was a lot of waiting..doing the training, watching a video, etc. And they just have 1 plane(which holds 14..including all the instructors..so 7 customers as it's tandem), and there were 13 flights to do (we were 10 and 11).

Saturday morning wasn't ideal weather - there was a dense fog. The fog didn't lift until midday and then it was beautiful. Luckily we took a big picnic to entertain us!

So finally, at 4.30pm, I did a tandem skydive from 11,000 feet! Craig, my tandem buddy, was brilliant and kept me very calm on the 20 minute ascent. I have to say sitting on the edge of the door of the plane and waiting for Craig, who I was strapped to, to jump was the most terrifying bit! But the freefall (35-45 seconds) was amazing (I screamed the whole time), and then the parachute went up and we spent about 7 minutes gently descending....I got to play with the controls and make it spin!

I'd do it again in a minute..the adrenalin on the build up to going, then the endorphins afterwards were fantastic. And then it was a 3 hour drive home! So needless to say I was EXHAUSTED when I got back, and I really ache today. But wow, what a thrill.

"The problem with French cars is that they're built by the French.."

2006-10-03T20:52:00.000+01:00

So this morning it was pretty cold. 9 degrees. My car windows were all condensationy. So I rolled down the passenger electric window before I left for work..and it jammed half way up! On my brand spanking new 207! I decided I'd drive in to work and hope the problem would resolve.. but when I got there at 7.24am..still jammed!
My registrar was parking next to me (in his hugely expensive Jaguar), and tried to fix it for me. "Well" he sighed, "the problem with French cars is that they're built by the French.." Not sure what that meant, but it ain't German engineering..
So I was sent off to the Peugeot garage where they fixed it. Stat.
On my return to work 3 hours later, all fixed, I was doing some hopeless reverse parking..and scraped my metallic paint on a beat up car!
Of course I did the right thing and left my number under the wipers.
But metallic paint scraped on my BRAND NEW CAR!!
Noooooo.
Needless to say I've been grumpy all day.

Could I be any more tired?

2006-10-01T21:27:00.000+01:00

Seriously, could I be any more tired?
60 hours a week at work doctoring (no lunch breaks).
Have a social life (kind of).
Lots of complex stuff going on...life, death, painting walls, buying property..
Is it any wonder I like a beer and a nap on a Sunday afternoon?

Why don't I look like a doctor?

2006-09-19T21:51:00.000+01:00

Do y'all remember Doogie Howser, MD? Child prodigy who went to medical school and became a teenage doctor? All his patients believed he was a doctor, right?
Some of my patients don't seem to think I'm a doctor!! Like yesterday my patient was in severe pain, so I said I'd get her a morphine injection.. "oh you'll have to find a doctor to sign the order and that'll take AGES" she says. I AM THE DOCTOR!!
I try very hard to look like The Doctor. I have a badge that says Dr Sarah Laing. I have my NHS badge with 'doctor' on it. I adorn myself with tournequet and stethoscope.
Any suggestions?
Still..better than the patient who asked me when my baby was due...

Goodbye.

2006-09-16T15:43:00.000+01:00

It's been a hard week, dear readers. A week of saying goodbye.

Monday I said goodbye to Tim, who I split with a few months ago after a year of us being together. Tim is jacking in his London media job to go and train as an English teacher in Budapest, and then volunteering in Sri Lanka for 10 months. I'm really excited for him - what an adventure. And I'll miss him terribly.

Thursday was, as I mentioned before, my Grandad's funeral. I said my real goodbye a few weeks ago when I went to visit him in Victoria Hospice. But the funeral was a good day - a gathering of family. He would have loved to have been there..and I suppose in a way he was.

And I said goodbye to my Grandmother, who is 92 and demented, and now living in a nursing home as my Grandad is no longer here to care for her. Her will to carry on is diminishing without him.

Lots of goodbyes.
Man, I'm tired.

Simone

2006-09-16T15:35:00.000+01:00

On a happy note, this is me with baby Simone. Simone is my Dad's cousin's grandaughter..not sure how that makes us related, but we are!

Grandad

2006-09-15T19:19:00.000+01:00

My Grandad died aged 79 on September 7th at Victoria Hospice, from metastatic colon cancer. He was cremated yesterday, September 14th, at Kirkcaldy crematorium.

Henry Scott Holland's poem (below) was written on the service.

All is Well

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.

Crocodile Hunter RIP

2006-09-04T07:04:00.000+01:00

Oh. My. God.
Poor Steve.
RIP.

Houseplant On Call

2006-09-03T20:19:00.000+01:00

It's definitely the Sunday Night Blues kicking in tonight.
I have 7 days at work in a row looming..next weekend I'm the Surgical Houseplant on call..
For those of you who are fortunate enough not to work in healthcare, us junior docs have been traditionally been called Houseplants (aka House Officers)..presumably because we sit around looking pretty and do nothing.
Actually we run around the hospital like headless chickens doing jobs entirely unrelated to our medical training, but who cares.
Being the weekend on call doc is an entirely miserable experience..I have to work 3pm until 1am Saturday and Sunday, and try and keep all the patients happy and alive until their own docs reappear fresh and breezy on Monday morning (when I, thankfully, will be at home and in bed).
Still, it's been a good weekend.
And who am I to complain? They pay me, don't they.